Wicked the Musical Abridged
by ElphieThroppDG28
Summary: What REALLY happened before Dorothy dropped in? Warning: strong language.
1. Act I

Wicked Abridged

_A/N: I love Wicked. It's a phenomenal show, and I hope I get to see it again. _

_DISCLAIMER: Belongs to Stephen Schwartz, Winnie Holzman, Joe Mantello, and all the other awesome people who worked on this._

_WARNING: You should know by now...there's some language._

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><p>We all know the ending of <em>The Wizard of Oz<em>: that ugly witch gets melted, and everyone's all happy.

Yeah, fuck that ending. This is the real shit. Get ready to be blown back on your asses. This is what really went down.

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><p><span>ACT I<span>

_Scene 1_

All those motherfucking Ozians are all, "Whoo! That creepy, homely witch is dead! We're saved!" And then Glinda comes in riding her bubble machine (?) and is all, "Yeah, party hard, you simpletons! Throw your hands up, they're playin' your song, and the butterflies fly away!"

But then some dumb fuck is all, "Hey, Glinda! Weren't you that witch's friend at one point?" And everyone's all, "Gasp!" And Glinda's all, "So what if I was?" And everyone's all, "Louder gasp!"

And Glinda's all, "Shut the fuck up! It's story time! I'm gonna tell you what happened!"

_Scene 2_

Flash back to Shiz University. Yeah, I'm talking COLLEGE! Frat parties, nonstop booze, and all that shit! Galinda's pumped!

Wait...why is her name Galinda? Well, don't ask stupid questions. I'm getting to that.

So Galinda's all, "Yeah, I'm the shit, bitches!" And then there's this Munchkin named Boq, only he's kind of tall for a Munchkin. So...wouldn't he just be normal? Whatever, it's Wonderland, I mean Oz...NOTHING makes sense!

So anyway, Boq is in love with Galinda. But she finds him creepy, and gives him the finger because she's hot and shit. Then Elphaba - yes, the witch, because she has a name, too - comes in with her sister, who's a cripple. And cue the world's smallest violin!

Well, Elphaba's dad is the Head Douchbag of Jackassville, because he treats Nessarose, her younger sister, a lot better. Hell, he even gives her sparkly TOMS shoes to show that he likes her better! I mean, she gets a pair AND a kid in need does, too! Wow! If that's not nepotism, I don't know what is!

Galinda and Elphaba get thrown into a room together, because Madame Morrible is a sick, twisted motherfucker who likes conflict. And to make it even MORE awkward, Elphaba is let into Morrible's special sorcery class, and Galinda isn't! Oh, no!

_Scene 3_

Elphaba's all, "YES! I'm gonna be normal now! In your face, motherfuckers! There's a new bitch in town!"

And...yeah, that's it. That's pretty much it.

_Scene 4_

Elphaba and Galinda hate each other, but everyone likes Galinda because she's pretty and blond and popular. You know, the stereotypical shit that goes down in HIGH SCHOOL. Only this is COLLEGE. Oh, fuck it! It's Hogwarts, I mean Oz!...NOTHING makes sense!

_Scene 5_

A fucking GOAT is teaching a class. Yeah, that's right, you heard me. A GOAT. And these kids' parents are paying HOW MUCH to send them to school? But fuck it! It's Narnia, I mean Oz...NOTHING makes sense!

_Scene 6_

But, oh no! Dr. Dillamond is in trouble! His animal sense is tingling because all the talking animals are losing their power to talk...kind of like in real life! So Elphaba's all, "Oh, it's okay! The Wizard will fix EVERYTHING!"

_Scene 7_

Enter our male asshole of the night: Fiyero. He's a prince, and he wants to have fun.

_Scene 8_

Fiyero and Galinda are both equally matched in the hotness department, which makes Boq pissed. Then Fiyero decides that no one is having fun, so he goes, "I'll give these bitches a party. Bitches love parties!"

So they all decide to have a party. Boq asks out Nessarose, only because Galinda pretty much cons him into it, because she wants to be with the bland hotness that is Fiyero. Nessarose is all, "Omigod, I can actually feel NORMAL! You know, because I'm in a wheelchair and shit!" And Elphaba's all, "Something's rotten in the state of Denmark, I mean Oz!"

Galinda gives Elphaba this ugly-ass hat, just because she can! And then everyone gets hammered and stoned at the party, and somewhere along those lines, Elphaba and Galinda becomes friends. Cue the AWWWW!

_Scene 9_

Galinda decides that she's going to marry Fiyero, even though he totally doesn't know yet. Oh, my God! How completely charming and not creepy as hell in the least!

Then we learn that Elphaba is green because her mother drank some green liquid shit while Doing It with some random fuck who wasn't her father. So the next baby the mom had was obviously a big fucking deal. The dad made her chew flowers to make the baby normal, but that fucked up her legs, and the mom died. Wah, wah, waaaahhhh.

_Scene 10_

Galinda lightens the mood with her bubbly, cheerful makeover game! But this...accomplishes nothing. Oh, what a surprise.

_Scene 11_

Dr. Dillamond's arrested for being an animal, and the class gets taken over by some random dumbass who has a caged lion cub. Elphaba becomes pissed, so she uses her magic to kick ass, and she and Fiyero carry the lion outside.

The two are strangely drawn to each other, even though they've only said five sentences to each other AT MOST. But Fiyero's all, "Oh, right, I've got that blond bitch! Fiyero is out! PEACE!

_Scene 12_

Elphaba is emo and whines about not having a hot guy.

_Scene 13_

Morrible randomly shows up and says, "Hey, the Wizard wants to see you!" And Elphaba's all, "HELLZ TO THE YEAH, MOTHERFUCKERS!"

The next day, Elphaba and Fiyero share an awkward goodbye. Because Dr. Dillamond called her "Glinda" all the time, Galinda changes her name to impress Fiyero, who isn't paying attention to her. To make her feel better, Elphaba invites her along to the Emerald City.

_Scene 14_

They shop and shit. Hooray.

_Scene 15_

The Wizard's all, "Yeah, I'm evil! I hate animals! Get out here, whore!" And Morrible comes out! OMG she's, like, the Wizard's WHORE! EW! Old people sex!

_Scene 16_

Anyway, Elphaba gives some random-ass monkey some wings because she can read this ancient book thing. But she realizes that it's wrong. So she says, "Fuck you, Wizard! And you're little whore, too!"

_Scene 17_

To cover up all the shit that's been going down, Morrible is all, "Yeah, that crazy-ass green bitch is a witch now! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Glinda's all, "Just apologize, for fuck's sake! You can still live the lie you always wanted to!"

And Elphaba's like, "Fuck you, bitch!" So she enchants a broom to fly, and Glinda ALMOST joins her in her rebellion, but pulls out at the last minute because she's a pussy. Of course.

And all of Oz is all, "Oh, shit! We're fucked!"

And Elphaba's all, "Yeah, that's right, bitches! I'm a badass motherfucker! WHOOOO!"

END OF ACT I

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><p><em>AN: The next half will be up soon. Like I said, I love this show. No disrespect to anyone._

_Reviews are appreciated, please!_


	2. Act II

Wicked Abridged

ACT II

_Scene 1_

So it's been about three years since the whole Shit Went Horribly Wrong thing. Elphaba's still on the run, but we don't care about that! There are more important matters to attend to at the moment!

Oz is scared shitless of Elphaba, all because of that bitch Morrible and her crafty ways. Glinda, now Glinda the Goody Two Shoes Princess Figure, calms everyone down by having an engagement party for herself and Fiyero. Um...yeah. That makes sense...

Well, Fiyero isn't on board with any of this, especially when Morrible starts making up some bullshit about Elphaba. So he's all, "Fuck this noise! Fiyero is out! PEACE!" And Glinda's all, "Dammit! My life kind of sucks! But whatever! This is a party to dispel the fear and torment in Oz, even though it's more like a form of escapism!"

_Scene 2_

Elphaba decides to crash at Nessarose's house. Boq is now Nessa's pimp, because she knows that if she lets him go, he'll leave her sorry ass. Elphaba's all, "Dad's gotta help me now!" And Nessa's all, "Oh, he died because you brought shame onto the family. I'm governor now, and Boq's my man whore."

Elphaba's all, "Well, screw him! You can help me!" And Nessa's all, "Are you fucking high? I'm not helping you!" And Elphaba's all, "Well, even though you still hate me, I'll make your TOMS magical so you can walk!"

So that happens, and Boq sees that Nessa can walk now because her TOMS are all red and sparkly. So he's all, "I'm gonna try to win Glinda over and tear her away from that asshole Fiyero!" And Nessa's all, "What the fuck? She can't even say your name right, and you still love her? Fuck you, bitch! You're going to pay!"

So she steals Elphaba's book of torture and kills Boq...sort of. She takes away his heart, so I think that counts. Then Elphaba turns him into tin so he can still live, because there's no magic that can help give his heart back. Nessa's all, "Wow, maybe I really am wicked. This. Is. Fucking. Awesome."

Elphaba's all, "Yeah, I'm leaving now." And Nessa's all, "Come back, bitch!" And then Boq's all, "Omigod, I'm a tin can! What the hell?" Then he runs away.

_Scene 3_

There's a party and shit. Party and party and yeah!

_Scene 4_

The Wizard catches Elphaba trying to sabotage him, so he decides to seduce her, because he hasn't gotten some in a while. So he's all, "You don't have to be bad. You can be awesome, just like me!" And she's all, "Okay, but you need to let all those poor monkeys go." And he's all, "Okay."

_Scene 5_

So all the Flying Monkeys are free, but Elphaba makes a shocking discovery: Dr. Dillamond's a normal goat now! Oh, no! So, he makes noises and eats shit like the rest of the goats of the world! THE HORROR!

Elphaba's all, "Screw you, Wizard! You suck ass!" Then the Wizard's all, "Guards! Help me!" So the guards come in, but Fiyero's all, "Yo, I can handle it! Leave us alone, douchbags!" But then Glinda comes in and is all, "What the hell? We were in the middle of a party! Oh, it's Elphaba!" And Elphaba's all, "Oh, it's Glinda!" And Fiyero's all, "Yeah, change of plans, sweet cheeks. I'm running off with your ex-best friend." And Glinda's all, "Omigod, so you were having an affair the whole time behind my back?" And Elphaba's all, "No, you dumb bitch!" And Fiyero's all, "Well...nah, we weren't, but now we will! Fiyero and Elphaba are out. PEACE!" So they leave.

Well, Glinda's pissed about Fiyero, and Morrible's pissed about Elphaba. The Wizard decides that they have to set a trap for her, so Glinda's all, "Use that bitchy governor chick. They're sisters. Elphaba will do anything for her."

So Morrible's all, "Time for a twister!" And we realize that she's really evil. Dun. Dun. Dun.

_Scene 6_

Glinda's all emo about not getting married. Boo-hoo.

_Scene 7_

Fiyero and Elphaba share an intimate moment out in the woods. Oh, how delightful.

_Scene 8_

Before anything can get really steamy, Elphaba realizes that Nessa is in trouble! Oh, no! So she has to leave and see what the hell is going on.

_Scene 9_

Well, Nessa got squashed by Dorothy's house. So Glinda gives Dorothy Nessa's TOMS and sends her off. Elphaba gets there and is all, "Um, what the fuck? Those were my shoes!" And Glinda's all, "Shut up, I'm still pissed about you being Fiyero's whore!" So they kick each other's asses, and then the guards come in to kill Elphaba. But Fiyero comes in and allows her to escape before getting captured himself. Glinda, realizing what a big bitch she was, tries to stop them, but they don't let up their needlessly pointless torture.

_Scene 10_

Elphaba tries to save Fiyero with magic, but it doesn't really work. So...yeah. Epic fail!

_Scene 11_

Boq, who's actually the Tin Man, and the caged lion cub, who's actually the Cowardly Lion, decide to become violent as shit and lead a witch hunt. Glinda realizes how sucky that is, but Morrible's all, "Too bad, so sad. This is the fucking shit right here!"

Glinda goes to where Elphaba is, and they make up after all the shit they've put each other through.

_Scene 12_

They say goodbye, because Elphaba's all, "Yeah, I'm leaving." And Glinda's all, "Okay."

_Scene 13_

Dorothy melts Elphaba, and Glinda goes to the Emerald City to let the Wizard know. She shows him a green bottle that was with Elphaba when she died, and the Wizard realizes that he was the random fuck who did Elphaba's mother. So he stumbles off and is all, "Oh, damn...I gotta bounce!" And Morrible gets arrested for being a big bitch. Well, it's about damn time!

_Scene 14_

OMG! Elphaba is ALIVE! Water didn't melt her! It just...concealed her conveniently-placed trap door! And Fiyero isn't dead, either! He's a scarecrow! Wow!

Glinda's all, "Yeah, that's what happened. And I'm sad. Boo-hoo." And the Ozians are all, "Fuck that shit!" And Fiyero and Elphaba are all, "We're out forever! PEACE!"

END OF ACT II

END OF MUSICAL

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><p>So...wait. She didn't die? WHAT? My childhood's been RUINED! RUINED! How can you change the story THAT MUCH? What is WRONG with the world? FUCK THIS!<p>

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><p><em>AN: LOL I really liked the ending. This was such a great musical...it made me cry! _

_Review please!_


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